Well said!

My husband and I have had this same conversation many times. In fact, here is a perfect situation.

Our county is pitching a fit about us adding more kids to our house because our special needs, violent child, is in residential treatment. However, if I were to become pregnant now, there is nothing they could do about it.

So, why is it OK to add a biological child to our family, but not an adoptive child? Do biological children count less? They only become important once they enter foster care or are placed for adoption?

Sandra - this is a great post. Thanks for the stats. They confirm what I was thinking.

SANDRA...

YOU...

ARE...

AWESOME!

And now maybe you have enough hits some others will be more curious and read this.

You said so perfectly what is on my mind, and with all the stats to show why this makes sense.
I truly admire your ability to say it and say it well.

AMEN!! I couldn't have said it better myself. You rock!!

Just want to piggyback onto what you are saying. 25-33% of the women in the United States were sexually abused by age 18. That is up to ONE-THIRD of our female population who is (or has) struggled with eating disorders, addictions, compulsions, self-injury, suicidal urges, depression ... and I can go on, but you get the point. If that is not an epidemic, I don't know what is. And yet we, as a society, continue to turn a blind eye, "mind our own business," and refuse to acknowledge just how serious this problem is in our country (and around the world, for that matter). We have an overburdened foster care system filled with children struggling with PTSD. That's an epidemic.

I know that licensing all parents is not logistically practical, but I fully support ANY initiative that moves in the direction of protecting our children. NO child should ever endure what I did as a kid.

- Faith

I rarely mention articles that show adoptive parents to be abusive or killers, although I see them. What would it prove except that I wanted to discredit adoptive parents?

I do mention sometimes that I know adoptees who were abused, but all that proves is that adoptive parents can be abusive as well. I do not believe it is common.

However, if tracking down articles about killer non-adoptive parents makes you feel better....you are entitled. I am sorry you feel the need to keep on trying to prove adoptive parents are better.

Jan is correct that there are many adoptees who have been abused by their adoptive parents. I am active on a message board for adult survivors of childhood abuse. There are many adoptees over there who were abused by their adoptive parents. This creates additional issues in healing because they feel rejected by their birthparents, only to then be harmed by their adoptive parents.

Most of the adoptees I know who were abused were adopted in the 60's and 70's when (I believe) the screening of adoptive parents was not as intensive as it is now. I am hopeful that this is a less frequent occurrence than it used to be. Child abuse is never okay, whether it is by adoptive or bio parents.

I do believe the statistical incidence of child abuse in adoptive families is lower than in bio families, but this is because all adoptive families choose to add children to their homes, whereas the data for bio families includes those who never wanted children but had them anyway for whatever reason. Abusers do not consider the welfare of the child, so they are not people who would even consider placing a baby for adoption. So, in my opinion, any birthmother or woman who considered placing her child for adoption before choosing to parent should not be lumped into the same category.

Deb and I feel strongly about this issue because of having grown up in abusive households. My opinion would be the same even if I had never adopted a child. I just want to protect kids. I do not believe that adoptive families are "better" or "worse" than bio families, just different. And in light of my own experience in being abused by bio relatives, I do not believe that blood-relation has anything to do with being a good parent. I believe that good parenting is about love, respect, and commitment, no matter how a child joins a family.

- Faith

Julie, Kelly, Heather, Deb, Faith,

Thanks for the kind words. The fallout from this study needs addressing.


Jan,

And I'm sorry you need to think that I need to prove adoptive parents are better, and I'm wondering what it is you're disagreeing with enough to make that accusation.

Like the survey itself, these posts have not been adoptive vs birth parents, but about the media and reactions, and about families and how they can work, or not.

I know that you believe some children are better off in adoptive families and that there are people who make babies that shouldn't, just like I know there are some adoptive families that shouldn't have been allowed to adopt.

I've read countless comments on adoption.com and elsewhere stating that adoptive parents have to jump through so many hoops to adopt a child, yet bio parents don't have to pass any exams to have a child. Many call for some kind of restriction to be imposed, some kind of test or exam to be administered before anyone can have a child biologically, even suggesting that you have to get a licence before being allowed to have children. I for one am not willing to sign my reproductive rights over to the government or some agency who will decide if I have the right to reproduce. For the life of me I cannot understand why people are so eager to have them stripped of their rights one after the other.

My husband and I spoke about this very topic at length after reading many comment regarding this on yahoo answers. Here is a scenario I came up with: Suppose you have to apply to some government agency before you are allowed to start trying to conceive. There will be no way to monitor this, seeing as how you can get pregnant without a slip of paper to say it's ok. Maybe you'll get stuck with the same consequences as the China one child policy.. forced abortion and sterilization to offenders, maybe huge fines to those only discovered late in pregnancy. What about forced implantation of intra-uterine devices? Sounds appealing doesn't it? After some speculation on the subject, I came up with only one fool proof way to keep couples from reproducing without permission. Remove all the eggs (and thus the ovaries) from a woman and freeze them. Take a couple of sperm samples from a man to be frozen before performing a vasectomy. This should obviously be done at puberty, before these little critters can have an "accident". Now everyone must obtain permission before being assisted through artificial reproductive technology to conceive. If anyone decides that you are not old enough / financially stable enough / mature enough / educated enough / attractive enough, then you'll not be having any babies. Personally, I don't find the thought very appealing.

There is no one answer to the problems afflicting the children of the world. I cannot imagine any parent, bio or adoptive, not cringing in horror when they read these stories. The stories about bio abusers making it to the papers represents only a fraction of bio parents out there. The same goes for stories about adoptive abusers.

My point (yes, I know it was a long time coming) is this: I am only one of the bio parents out there who adore their children. I hope that I will always be a safe haven to my kids. And I hope to be a proud adoptive mom by next year. Yes, I can get pregnant tomorrow and deliver a baby by the end of the year. It will be a lot easier than the adoption minefield we are now trudging through. Adoption is a concious choice for us in growing our family and a choice that we are very excited about. Yet I am not about to let anyone out there dictate to me about my reproductive rights. Sorry to anyone who doesn't agree. If a parent is going to abuse a child, it doesn't matter if that child is biological or adopted and it is not guaranteed that the pre-adoptive or pre-pregnancy screening would have picked up a problem in that particular parent.

Veronika,

Calls for licensing parents come from frustration, anger and fear when children are abused, which in the big numbers is done by bio parents. It's not only adoptive parents who suggest that tests should be passed to parent, but many who see people who have no business having kids making those kids' lives a misery. I doubt anyone actually sees this happening, but in a perfect world only those who would love and care for children would have them.

Our world is so far from perfect that it's not even worth contemplating.

That you are, "not about to let anyone out there dictate ... about ... reproductive rights" is all well and good, but they certainly will be dictating when you come to adopting a child.

As a bio parent and an adoptive parent, I often contemplate the difference in circumstance.

Sandra,
I am well aware of the fact that adopting is not easy and that there are certain standards that have to be met when trying to adopt. In some cases I do not see the point of some of the rules (most notably China) but there are some rules that have merit. I applaud the fact that adoption seeks the best parents for children.

I've seen the other side of the coin too and know people who should not be in the same room with kids, never mind be parents. My sister's best friend cannot conceive a child. She took a little girl of 18 months into her care and (IMO) abused that child from day one. This was someone who cried for anyone within earshot to hear about her "empty, longing arms". Thankfully, the child was removed from her care. This was a child who had been through abuse from her bio mother and from her potential adoptive mother. Neither one of the relationships to the child precluded these people from abusing her. IMO they were both just rotten to the core.

My point about not letting anyone dictate to me when it comes to my reproductive rights, is that we are so eager to just hand over our rights and have other people make the decisions for us. Where should we draw the line?

You said "Calls for licensing parents come from frustration, anger and fear when children are abused..". I feel that anger, that frustration, that hopelessness every day. I live in a country where you can open a newspaper on any given day and read about anything between 5 - 10 children seriously abused or murdered that week.

No, I don't have any numbers or references for my opinion, but I'm pretty darn sure that the number of bio parents who treasure and adore their kids far outweigh the number who abuse their children.

BTW, my sister and I were both abused by my parents (most notably my mother) as children. She mentally, emotionally and physically abused us on a daily basis. I believe it was a decision on her part, a decision to not treasure the precious beings entrusted to her. She had multiple miscarriages and thought she'd never have children. I can in all honesty say that my mother would have done the same to a child she adopted, if not worse.

/Quoting Veronika's words:
"Many call for some kind of restriction to be imposed, some kind of test or exam to be administered before anyone can have a child biologically, even suggesting that you have to get a licence before being allowed to have children. I for one am not willing to sign my reproductive rights over to the government or some agency who will decide if I have the right to reproduce."

I partially agree with this, but having to get a license is far different than signing over your reproductive right. Let me just say, that many abused and neglected children become wards of the state and then I as a taxpaper am responsible for them....often forever.... I saw this so very often when I was the children's advocate in a shelter for domestic abuse.

I'm strongly in favor of more community health specialists and education specialists being involved in the lives of children from birth. Yup, someone is going to say that we are "invading their privacy."
If it is for the good of the children I don't care!!!!
L.