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When adoptive parents sit down to write on the topic of birth parents, the result is more often than not compassionate and caring, with great attention paid to treading carefully where any eggshells may lie. Odes are written to birth mothers, and adoptive parents sing praises in public and private, and especially to our children as we understand that honoring first parents honors the child.

Absorbing from every angle is an adoptive parent's agenda. Listening to and learning from others in the triad is one of the ways we do this. We seek out various points of view, contemplate their validity, engage in discussions, open ourselves to evaluation and criticism, read, take courses, attend therapy sessions witn our kids, and on and on and on. Taking into account birth parent and adult adoptee perspectives is an exercise many of us actively pursue, and entire web groups are dedicated to the practice of pointing out exactly where our failures as parents may lie and how we may possibly avoid the pitfalls of those who've gone before.

Constantly reminded that our gain is someone else's loss and that our children come to us with wounds we can never hope to heal ... holes we will never fill ... we bare our souls in hopes that some bit of advice or infomation will give us the clue we need to to the best job we possibly can with the limited resources adoptive parents can claim.

Some of our contacts are, admittedly, in the form of support groups -- parents in like circumstances bolstering each other, encouraging, appreciating, and so on. Participation in these groups is a feel-good practice in which confrontation is limited to differences of opinion on co-sleeping and pacifier use.

Many of us, however, reach far beyond comfy interactions with like-minded happy parents for whom adoption was the answer to a dream. We stand ourselves in the line of fire from birth parents and adoptees who see the institution as anything from a necessary evil to just plain evil, and everything in between, and take the hits as if our blessings are our fault ... as if we must fully experience shame for feeling joy.

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