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I have a dear friend who spent a good bit of her adult life longing for motherhood. For all the usual reasons … career building, late finding of soul mate, infertility … plans to make a baby from scratch didn’t pan out. At the age of forty-nine, she and her husband brought home a darling little girl from Cambodia. That was almost two years ago, and not a day goes by that she doesn’t almost fall to her knees in gratitude for the miracle that adoption has been for her and her family.
It’s sweet to see. My friend has transformed; life now has real meaning for her, her daughter is the focus of her days, and the future is no longer a long and empty tunnel, but a bright garden of growth and color.
In the process of her dedicated and grateful older parenting of her first and possibly only child, my friend is creating a monster. At two, this little darling is already well-versed in the fine art of yanking Mom’s chain, running the show, and making sure that everyone is sleep-deprived.
Bed time is whatever ungodly hour Princess finally fades, usually after midnight. Dinner is a battleground. Trips to the grocery store are a nightmare of thrashing tantrums that can have customers ducking and covering to avoid items flung by the little darling. Hugs and kisses are often followed with a full force punch in the nose or the eye, nothing is a no-no and nowhere is a no-go.
My exhausted and bruised friend is most certainly not alone in taking parenting to Frankensteinian heights, as this MSNBC article proves.
Providing a look at what’s bratty and what might be actual behavior disorders, it takes the “willfulness of toddlers” and tries to draw a line between what is normal brat stuff and what could be a sign of big trouble ahead.
Considering the fact that 75% of 2-year-olds “regularly display aggression and throw tantrums,” it is apparently difficult to establish how indicative these are of serious issues that could grow into juvenile delinquency or a life of crime.
Is a kid spoiled rotten, or could it be afflicted with “Disruptive behavior disorder” (DBD)?
I’m all on board with another spoonful of alphabet soup explaining what ticks, but this one? I’m thinking that some consistent discipline … one important item in the list of parental duties … might go a long way toward heading DBD off at the pass.
The article really lost me, actually, with this:
Often, it simply comes down to a matter of degree. While it’s completely normal for a kid to explode when denied a candy bar at the grocery store, parents should worry when a toddler’s outbursts are “very frequent, very intense or very inflexible,” Wakschlag explains. “If your every request gets a ‘no’ before you’ve even gotten the words out of your mouth, that’s a problem.”
You see, I don’t think it is “completely normal for a kid to explode when denied a candy bar at the grocery store.” In my book, that is brat behavior that should be nipped in the bud the first time it happens. If a parent does a parent thing as the response to an explosion, it will not be happening again.
In fact, by the time a kid is two, it should already well anticipate how little a temper fit in a checkout line will get them.
If, however, those parenting from a kneeling position of profound thanks for the gift of child tend to either ignore, forgive or excuse such actions time after time, the poor kid grows progressively more clueless about how to act. Eventually, he or she either decides that hellion is an acceptable persona to groom for life or continues to ratchet up the horrible, waiting for someone somewhere sometime to post a limit and enforce it.
So, back to my friend for a minute. I have been in a position to observe her parenting from the day her daughter came home. I have watched her settle into motherhood, slowly absorbing the fact that her dream had finally come true and that the role of motherhood is now truly and fully hers. The steady process of relenting, of throwing in the towel, of giving over control of any given situation to a tiny person has now become habit as thought of exerting parental authority recedes in direct proportion to hands-in-the-air declarations of the child’s strength of will. Giving in has become such an ingrained response that no other tact comes to mind.
“I’m just so lucky to have her,” she says, “and I can’t stand to see her cry.”
Of course, the child cries a lot … and screams and kicks and bites and refuses to eat and won’t sleep and … .
I agree with you that it is not normal to throw a temper tantrum when you don’t get a candy bar.
I hope your friend gets some help before she cute little child becomes a big unpleasant child.
L.
I am a child psychologist and well versed on developmental stages and normal behavior. I absolutely agree that inconsistent or lacking discipline can lead to serious behavioral problems. However, tantrums among young children ARE normal and universal. They have to do with an immature nervous system and lack of coping skills. With appropriate limits and guidance the child will learn better self- control over time. Nonetheless, some children do have temperments that make this process harder- even if their parents have “perfect” parenting skills.
we have an extended family member who raised their little ones like this. Poor things, when they needed a nap, would be allowed to stagger around crying and crying until they just dropped wherever they happened to be. The parents were eventually forced to set limits, and the kids have turned out okay, but not great. sad to watch, so much wasted potential.
The kids I have seen raised that way have not turned out well. In each case, the parent eventually ‘gave up’ trying to raise the monster they had created.
Any agency dealing with placement of older children talks about the need for structure. The kids in the system haven’t had that and they are paying a large price for it. The problem is that a child who has been able to be in charge is not going to handle giving up control without a big battle.
Psych is right about disorders that are not easily addressed with normal parenting, but structure still has to be there to the degree possible, or there is no chance of progress. John
I am new to this blog, researching adoption as my husband and I investigate further. I now have two biological boys that have (and my 4 year old still has) many tantrums. Never, in either of their lives has having a tantrum rewarded them in any way. Our response is consistent – if you have a tantrum, you need a break and you will not get what you want. That being said, my 4 yo still has them – frequently in my opinion. My 7 yo stated that he had them (and very occasionally still does) and the reward is the tantrum itself. He told me that it just feels good after. I can only imagine the release of all the emotion that is almost a catharsis for them. My 7 yo is very reflective and can always give me insight. While we still don’t reward any tantrum, giving my kids a safe place to have it has worked for me. If they need it, then that is what they need. I just want to point out that everything is not a direct cause of parenting imperfections – some kids are harder than others. Keep that in mind as we judge others – just my pet peeve as a parent.