Comments on: Creating a monster http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/creating-a-monster Information for parents in their forties and beyond, considerations, information, adoption and parenting advice, health news and tips, adoption stories, support, links ... Sat, 14 Nov 2009 02:09:18 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: sandy2boys http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/creating-a-monster/comment-page-1#comment-1280 sandy2boys Sat, 03 Jan 2009 16:00:50 +0000 http://older-parent.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/11/16/creating-a-monster#comment-1280 I am new to this blog, researching adoption as my husband and I investigate further. I now have two biological boys that have (and my 4 year old still has) many tantrums. Never, in either of their lives has having a tantrum rewarded them in any way. Our response is consistent - if you have a tantrum, you need a break and you will not get what you want. That being said, my 4 yo still has them - frequently in my opinion. My 7 yo stated that he had them (and very occasionally still does) and the reward is the tantrum itself. He told me that it just feels good after. I can only imagine the release of all the emotion that is almost a catharsis for them. My 7 yo is very reflective and can always give me insight. While we still don't reward any tantrum, giving my kids a safe place to have it has worked for me. If they need it, then that is what they need. I just want to point out that everything is not a direct cause of parenting imperfections - some kids are harder than others. Keep that in mind as we judge others - just my pet peeve as a parent. I am new to this blog, researching adoption as my husband and I investigate further. I now have two biological boys that have (and my 4 year old still has) many tantrums. Never, in either of their lives has having a tantrum rewarded them in any way. Our response is consistent – if you have a tantrum, you need a break and you will not get what you want. That being said, my 4 yo still has them – frequently in my opinion. My 7 yo stated that he had them (and very occasionally still does) and the reward is the tantrum itself. He told me that it just feels good after. I can only imagine the release of all the emotion that is almost a catharsis for them. My 7 yo is very reflective and can always give me insight. While we still don’t reward any tantrum, giving my kids a safe place to have it has worked for me. If they need it, then that is what they need. I just want to point out that everything is not a direct cause of parenting imperfections – some kids are harder than others. Keep that in mind as we judge others – just my pet peeve as a parent.

]]> By: John http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/creating-a-monster/comment-page-1#comment-1279 John Sun, 18 Nov 2007 23:58:22 +0000 http://older-parent.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/11/16/creating-a-monster#comment-1279 The kids I have seen raised that way have not turned out well. In each case, the parent eventually 'gave up' trying to raise the monster they had created. <br /> <br /> Any agency dealing with placement of older children talks about the need for structure. The kids in the system haven't had that and they are paying a large price for it. The problem is that a child who has been able to be in charge is not going to handle giving up control without a big battle. <br /> <br /> Psych is right about disorders that are not easily addressed with normal parenting, but structure still has to be there to the degree possible, or there is no chance of progress. John The kids I have seen raised that way have not turned out well. In each case, the parent eventually ‘gave up’ trying to raise the monster they had created.

Any agency dealing with placement of older children talks about the need for structure. The kids in the system haven’t had that and they are paying a large price for it. The problem is that a child who has been able to be in charge is not going to handle giving up control without a big battle.

Psych is right about disorders that are not easily addressed with normal parenting, but structure still has to be there to the degree possible, or there is no chance of progress. John

]]> By: Sunbonnet Sue http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/creating-a-monster/comment-page-1#comment-1278 Sunbonnet Sue Sat, 17 Nov 2007 21:28:38 +0000 http://older-parent.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/11/16/creating-a-monster#comment-1278 we have an extended family member who raised their little ones like this. Poor things, when they needed a nap, would be allowed to stagger around crying and crying until they just dropped wherever they happened to be. The parents were eventually forced to set limits, and the kids have turned out okay, but not great. sad to watch, so much wasted potential. we have an extended family member who raised their little ones like this. Poor things, when they needed a nap, would be allowed to stagger around crying and crying until they just dropped wherever they happened to be. The parents were eventually forced to set limits, and the kids have turned out okay, but not great. sad to watch, so much wasted potential.

]]> By: psych114 http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/creating-a-monster/comment-page-1#comment-1277 psych114 Sat, 17 Nov 2007 17:25:31 +0000 http://older-parent.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/11/16/creating-a-monster#comment-1277 I am a child psychologist and well versed on developmental stages and normal behavior. I absolutely agree that inconsistent or lacking discipline can lead to serious behavioral problems. However, tantrums among young children ARE normal and universal. They have to do with an immature nervous system and lack of coping skills. With appropriate limits and guidance the child will learn better self- control over time. Nonetheless, some children do have temperments that make this process harder- even if their parents have "perfect" parenting skills. I am a child psychologist and well versed on developmental stages and normal behavior. I absolutely agree that inconsistent or lacking discipline can lead to serious behavioral problems. However, tantrums among young children ARE normal and universal. They have to do with an immature nervous system and lack of coping skills. With appropriate limits and guidance the child will learn better self- control over time. Nonetheless, some children do have temperments that make this process harder- even if their parents have “perfect” parenting skills.

]]> By: Lisa http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/creating-a-monster/comment-page-1#comment-1276 Lisa Sat, 17 Nov 2007 05:14:38 +0000 http://older-parent.www.adoptionblogs.com/2007/11/16/creating-a-monster#comment-1276 I agree with you that it is not normal to throw a temper tantrum when you don't get a candy bar.<br /> I hope your friend gets some help before she cute little child becomes a big unpleasant child.<br /> L. I agree with you that it is not normal to throw a temper tantrum when you don’t get a candy bar.
I hope your friend gets some help before she cute little child becomes a big unpleasant child.
L.

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