Over 40 Adoption, Older Parent Adoption

03/02/06

Give Race a Rest

Posted by : Older Parent Adoption Blog Archive in Older Parent Adoption Blog at 01:50 pm , 419 words, 35 views
Categories: Archives

In my opinion, identifying with your child by their race makes them less *your* child and more a “product” of another country. I know several adoptive parents who feel they must send their Chinese daughters to mandarin classes so they can learn their “native” language. My daughter was *born* in China, but her native language is english. The mere fact that she was birthed in another country does not make her a commodity of that country that I have imported as a cultural anomaly.

Continually referring to your child by their race makes them less your child and more a consequence of adoption. I don’t even think of Lola as Chinese, she’s Lola, my daughter. She could not be more like me if I had birthed her myself and I treat her as if I did. I am committed to her and to promoting adoption as a joyous way to start or expand your family.

If you always make issue or special concessions for a child's race, then you are driving a wedge between them and social acceptance. I just returned home from a trip to Seattle and while on the train I encountered a woman with 2 children; a biological boy and Chinese girl. Since I was missing Lola, I vacillated on approaching her and saying “Hey, I have a Chinese daughter too”, then I thought better of it. Would I approach this woman if her daughter were white, like me, and say “Hey, I have a white daughter too”? No. By constantly bringing race to the fore you never let a natural meshing or mending occur, the selvedge edge always remains visible.

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This woman deserved to take a train trip with her children and enjoy it without a stranger bringing “differences” to the fore. I deserve to take a train trip and quietly reflect on how much I love *my* daughter by watching another’s daughter play with a likeness to mine, and interact with her mother in typical fashion, *because they are children*, NOT because they are ”adopted children” or both “Chinese children”.

By any other set of circumstances, I could have been born in China, Lola could have been born in Russia and we may never have met, but in *this* life, we were destined to be mother and daughter, NOT a white woman with a Chinese child. If you always see a difference, a difference will always be there. If you always play the race card, you’ll never hold a winning hand.

3 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Naomi [Member]

· http://jewish.adoptionblogs.com/

I agree. My daughter is black - we are white parents. I think that it's important for her to have some friends who look like her and expose her to cultural experiences, but I would want to do that anyway even if I had an all white family. Race isn't something that should be ignored and never talked about as some parents do, but as you said - you don't need to be bringing it up to strangers at an airport or forcing foreign language classes on children who may have little or no interest in it.

Permalink 03/02/06 @ 15:01

Comment from: Lisa [Visitor]

Controversial subject and I'm glad you brought it up as I think about it a lot and have heard so many opinions.
Gracias,
Lisa

Permalink 03/02/06 @ 19:48

Comment from: Deb [Visitor]

I disagree. My youngest is Kenyan/American in heritage and I DO speak of it often. I feel it IS important to his sense of self. If I try to minimize or ignore his difference from me I certainly do not VALUE it. How will that make him feel? Being a "color-blind" parent to a child of color says "there are parts of you I do not SEE", and that is bound to cause inner conflicts for the child. Let them instead know you are proud of and excited by your differences. My son has a
distinct connection to Kenya, a very specific place in Africa. I want him to be proud of that. Many American born black children and their bio ancestors have no idea where in Africa their roots began because of the slave trade. My son is fortunate to know. But the most important reason I speak of it is because my son has FAMILY there, bio roots, real living people. Don't children adopted from Russia, China, Guatemala have FAMILY there as well. I think that is where the problem lies is when parents want to celebrate a connection to a COUNTRY when they should be letting their kids know "We eat this food, practice this language, dress this way, celebrate this holiday, because you have FAMILY in this place who are doing these same things right now and we want to be as close as we can to them. As for meshing our family? We are a close family, But I can NOT expect my son to live with in our family as if he were white. Instead I have to remember now we are a family of mixed race. I have to find the ways to value this and not expect him to blend into my old way of living. He can't morph into something he is not, but he can still be my son.
quoted
The differences will not "go away" because we refuse to see them, that is dangerous thinking at best. In my belief whenever a person wants to play down a difference its because maybe our own comfort level (or that of those around us) is limited. I say get comfy, care MORE about how your child is unique and LESS about how some people might not feel comfortable with that. Let it be their(those other people's) issue not yours or your childs.

Permalink 03/11/06 @ 21:23

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