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I have managed to almost completely avoid one of the big issues older parents often face: older grandparents.
When making the decision to adopt at forty or fifty or beyond, the thought of grandparental influence on the kids may not be top of the agenda, but sooner or later the topic will come up. Many will ask themselves: Will my child feel the lack and miss out on that special relationship that only a grandparent can provide?
Maybe they will.
My sibs and I got the short end of the grandparent stick, and my parents were young. My mom was only nineteen when she had me, but her father passed away when she was a child and her mother died shortly after my third birthday. On my dad’s side, he also lost his father when he was a child, so his mother ended up being the only grandparent my brothers and I had, but even she only lasted until I was ten. (She was seventy-six.)
My grown kids got the full contingent … a winning hand of two pairs — kings and queens … plus extra step-GPs thrown in for good measure, and all were around until the kids were well into their twenties and beyond. The relationships with the generation once removed are varied: Jenn and my mother have always been close and remain in close contact even though on opposite coasts; Jaren was closer to his paternal grandfather.
My dad passed away in 1991, but my mom is still going strong … in California. That’s twelve time zones from Sam and Cj, but it doesn’t mean she’s not part of their lives. Packages of goodies from Grandma Janet feature regularly in our trips across the island to the post office, and not only do they contain birthday gifts and updates on the endeavors of family members, she also always includes some of the flavor of America. Tortillas and taco sauce and chocolate chip cookie mix and Jell-O Butterscotch Pudding and walnuts are all sent to satisfy my hunger for tangs of home AND to be sure that Sam and Cj have at least a passing familiarity with what California tastes like. The fact that she’s in her seventies has no impact on the kids in the slightest, and as long as the pink swim suits (see photo?) and bottles of bubbles keep coming, she’s high on their hit parade and likely to stay there.
Their other grandma is only four years older than I am, so the age thing doesn’t play into the situation (That’s just one of the advantages of marrying a younger man!), although Sam does think she’s old and I’m new She lives only a few minutes away and is one of Sam’s favorite playmates. She’s great at beach games and swimming, plus has loads of cookies in her fridge.
I’m afraid as far as practical advice goes, I have little to offer here. If you’re worried about your kids losing out on the grandparent front because you’re adopting later in life you can always marry a younger man, then move half way around the globe. Worked for me.
I’m no help at all today, am I?
But Sandra your advice is excellent! My mom died when I was 30. She was 55. My father died in the summer of 2000. My son never knew my mother and his time with his paw-paw was far too brief. The girls never met either of them. But, I also married a younger man and, lucky for our kids, his parents are thriving in their 60s.
Can’t you just see the Public Service Announcement?:
Give your kids the gift of grandparents…
Marry a younger man!
(Harold and Maude is one of my favorite films )
Ha. I guess we better watch out and not proclaim our “solution” too boldly or too often. They (the ubiquitous they) may take to calling us the cradle-robbing blog. Even worse, they may start accusing us of really trying to hold on to our youth by marrying younger men.