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This question is on a forum for older adoptive parents:
I’m 45 and my husband is 46. I keep wishing we’d had a third child (we tried without success). Are we just way too old to try to adopt? Would the addition of a baby throw our lives into chaos? Has anyone done this? Just wondering
Here on the older parent blog we’ve talked a lot about adopting as ‘older parents’, but I’m still convinced that at least in my case, I’m a better parent than I would have been twenty years ago.
- I’m happier
- I’m more stable financially
- I’m happy to stay home- for now, (although I dream of working again soon)
- I take everything in stride better than I would have years ago.
Yet I know everyone has their own take on this issue – older parents usually become so by choice and love it.
But sometimes, the older mom just doesn’t have enough energy……
I know a woman, who, through wide age gaps, ended up parenting from birth to age 18, for 32 years. She was tired and falling apart at the end. She had been ready to finish her parental obligations when the youngest was 12 or 13, and it was quite difficult to trudge through it – she ended up far more permissive (or resigned) with the youngest behavior because she simply didn’t have the energy to fight or enforce rules.
I take this above comment as even more reason to watch our health, stay in shape, and be realistic about our own energy levels.
Some of you may know that I was actually pretty sick in my twenties, and had a lot less energy than I do now.. Again, another reason that for me, motherhood was a decision made better by waiting…..
……..more from the anonymous poster:
…….there is the beautiful other side of it, where you are wiser, with more experience, more secure in who you are, and hopefully more relaxed as well. Seems there is a larger push in the 20s and 30s to make a name for oneself professionally, whereas in the 40s and 50s, one has reached a nice comfortable point in the career. So there would likely be less financial stress, and perhaps more focus available for childrearing.
I couldn’t agree more!
And then another take:
If it is just wanting another person… there are many non-babies who get ignored in the system and never adopted, because everyone wants a cute baby. Perhaps you would adopt an older child, who is still younger than your current kids, thus extending your parenting years. If you get a child a good 6 or more years younger than your two, they will be doted on and the older siblings will likely enjoy their roles.
And what if you love kids, but realistically, really don’t want to actually have one of your own later in life? This commenter says:
If you really have baby fever (which is understandable, so many women have it), why not become the neighborhood mom-helper? I’m sure there are plenty of parents nearby who would love to let you coo over their little one while they get a well-needed break. Could be as little as a couple hours here and there, or for a weekend getaway for mom and dad. Could be on your terms, never more than you can handle. You can continue this role, picking and choosing the families/children’s ages, for years on end. Then, (hopefully) many years from now, when you feel tapped out energy-wise, you don’t have a whole other child you’re obligated to full-time. Good luck with your choice.
What a great idea, if motherhood isn’t for you at this stage of your life, volunteer with your neighborhood moms!
I could always use someone in my neighborhood to take K for an hour or two! That would be a blessing!… Any takers out there?
And the final word comes from yet another older mom:
….. I can tell you that when my husband and I adopted our first (and only) child, we were (respectively) ages 43 and 46. And the birthmother chose us happily. In independent, open adoption of an infant, the birthmother usually chooses the adoptive parents. And birthmothers have all sorts of reasons for the choices they make–they’re not all looking for the same type of family.
As far as having a baby at our age (now I’m 50, with a 4 year old)–well, I find parenthood wonderful and frustrating, exhilarating and tiring. If we hadn’t become parents at our age, we’d probably be traveling more and planning an earlier retirement–but we’d be missing out on things that are much more important to us.
Well said!
i agree with the poster who suggests adopting an older child. i wonder how old the biological children are. if the mom is 45 and wants to grow the family through adoption then she shouldn’t underestimate the benefits…for everyone…of adopting a 6, 7, 8 year old or so, especially if she can retain everyone birth order identity so to speak.
a very good friend of mine adopted a sibling pair when they were 8 and 9 and that’s been five short shears ago and now they are already 13 and 14! she only has four more years to go before the oldest one is off to college and she has derived a tremendous amount of joy out of becoming the mother of older children and swears she wouldn’t have done it any other way. to each his own of course. but it’s something to think about.