Over 40 Adoption, Older Parent Adoption - Is there a down side to older parent adoption?

09/25/06

Is there a down side to older parent adoption?

Posted by : Dr. G in Older Parent Adoption Blog at 08:18 am , 370 words, 59 views
Categories: Adoption Considerations

Since I have been blogging on older parent adoption, I believe I have, pretty much, written in a rah-rah-you-can-do-it voice. At least that has been my intention. Think it through carefully and honestly, decide if that's what you really want, and then go for it! That has been my message.

Today, I started to wonder if there are any circumstances, other than the ones that have already been discussed--primarily involving health--that should definitely point one away from the decision to adopt at an older age. The only ones that I could think of would apply to a person of any age. Severe financial limitations would be one. Although, I had to give that some thought, from a moral perspective as opposed to an economic one. Just because you are poor doesn't mean you shouldn't or can't be a parent. It is just not an optimal situation. So, should the same apply to adoption?

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I think when children are born into poverty they have no say in the matter and there is no other voice to speak for them. However, when children are placed for adoption there are many voices that speak for them and (in my opinion) fortunately, those voices prevent children from being placed in adoptive homes where their basic needs cannot be met. But, I digress. That is all another post for another time...I suppose.

Challenges with mental health issues or substance abuse issues would be other reasons not to adopt or have children, neither of which has anything to do with being an older parent. The only down side to older parent adoption that I could think of had more to do with the child side of the equation than with the parent side. The hassles that come with adding a child to your life, regardless of the age of the parent.

Children consume all of your available resources...time, energy, money, food, water, privacy, and just stuff in general. That happens if you are an older parent or a younger parent. The question of whether or not you're willing to allocate your resources to someone, other than yourself, for decades doesn't seem to me to be one that is determined by how old you are.

12 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: marymartha [Member]

Downsides of older parents. I've commented a lot on this as I have very personal experience wtih it. It isn't fair to the child. Health concerns aside people with that huge of an age gap can NEVER grasp the generation gap. I had older parents, as did my husband and my best friend. It was awful on all of us. My mom was a kid in the forties and I was a kid in the eighties, she just couldn't wrap her mind around the differences in the world. She was still giving me barbie dolls to play with when I was fourteen because fourteen year old girls in the early fifties played with dolls.
My husband and my friend all have similar complaints about having older parents. They also couldn't keep up with us as well as the younger parents of our peers.
I also think older parents are way less patient and demand MUCH more from their kids. They are so settled into life they are less flexible, less willing to give of themselves and their time, and less willing to change their lives in order to accomidate their new children. So often it is older parents who aren't willing to give up jobs, social lives, and just their general living pattern so they hire tons of outside help and have other people raise their kids anyways. Younger people usually who have the energy and patience for kids.

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 11:03

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/

oh, the generation gap thing. that's a good one Marymartha that i had completely forgotten about. yes, you wrote about that before and i remember thinking at the time she has a point there. i think i'll write on that again as a separate post. thanks for reminding me!

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 11:06

Comment from: Michelle Vandepas [Member]

· http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/

MaryMartha, I always love hearing your side, but I disagree! (politely)....
... I gave up my social life, career and any semblance of my previous life to have kids. I am so grateful to be a mother at this stage of my life I may even go a bit far in the other direction! I have to remember to take some time for myself occasionally......
Is it different if you are a 'suprise child" (don't know if you were) or a planned well expected, thought out adopted child?

Comments?

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 12:28

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/

Wow...now that's fascinating. i think that's the first time you've shared that private information about yourself Marymartha. were your husband and your friend adopted, or born to their parents?

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 12:43

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/

marymartha i was responding to your post below, but somehow it came out AHEAD of yours. i'm not sure how that happened. darnit! i see that it just happened again. technical glitch i guess.

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 12:50

Comment from: marymartha [Member]

I was not a surprise child, one of the first "test tube" babies as I've always been called. I'm glad you were willing to make those sacrafices for your children, it is wonderful, and rare in older parents.

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 12:54

Comment from: Michelle Vandepas [Member]

· http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com/

marymartha, it doesn't make me a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. I love it, but I'm sure K will have her own therapy topics in 20 years... Still, I hope overall it'll be ok for her.

Hum.. Test tube. That's INTERESTING! ....

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 12:59

Comment from: marymartha [Member]

I was planned, very planned and expensive :-) Husband was also fertility drugs, best friend was adopted. All three of us love our parents, I adore my mom, and think she did the best she could. But now even she says that it was wrong of her to become a parent at such an old age. She is very outspoken on older parenting.

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 18:38

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/

does your mom agree with your assessment? that she was being selfish and only thinking of herself when she decided to parent at an older age? and what about your friend who's adopted? does her mother feel the same way?

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 19:24

Comment from: marymartha [Member]

yes my mother does agree with me now. She basically told me a couple of years ago that while she wouldn't change it because she loves me more than life, her decision to parent was based only on her desire to "have it all" She never seriously considered what all parenting at an older age entailed and how hard it would be. She has given advice and talks in the past several years on the ethics of fertility treatments in women over the age of fifty and has become an outspoken critic. I don't want to "out" her here, but she is pretty well known in some circles now. My friends parents were much older, and both fell sick while she was in college. She put her life on hold to take care of them and lost them while she was in her early twenties. I know at the end they were sorry because she was so young and put everything on hold to take care of her dying parents. What parent wants to see their twenty year old drop out of college, move home, and put her entire life on hold to watch her parents die. My husband isn't as harsh as I am about it, but he agrees with me on some issues. He says the best thing about having older parents was that they were financially stable and could provide stuff. He also had a nanny who was twenty years younger than his mom who did most of his caretaking.

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 20:19

Comment from: marymartha [Member]

to comment a little further on my mom she does say she was excited to be a mother, it was something she had always wanted, but her thoughts were only for herself, not what she could provide for a child, nor the type of parent she could be to a child.

Permalink 09/25/06 @ 20:20

Comment from: Dr. G [Member]

· http://older-parent.adoptionblogs.com/

wow. how interesting is all of that? just goes to show how much we can all learn, even from a *strong* and *opinionated* voice of disagreement like yours...if we just take a deep breath and...LISTEN to one another. thanks for participating in this discussion. i genuinely value and appreciate it. look forward to hearing more from you in the future.

and thanks to ALL OF YOU who contributed to the thought provoking comments here. it had been a while since i posted anything that generated any commentary. i always appreciate it when people get involved like all of you did. makes me feel like i'm actually doing my job. thanks bunches!

Permalink 09/26/06 @ 06:03

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