Comments on: Older Parenting – does age matter?

By: Dr. G

Dr. G — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 03:43:34 +0000

oh, and i forgot to mention, the one point that MM made that really made me give her viewpoint some serious consideration is the thing about older mothers trying to “have it all.” i definitely think there’s some merit to that. i don’t know if there’s anything wrong with wanting to have it all, but when that becomes the be all and end all to making very important decisions such as having a baby or adopting,no matter how old you are, then it seems like there’s something not right bout that.

By: Dr. G

Dr. G — Fri, 20 Oct 2006 03:40:54 +0000

wow Michelle, this was a good one. i’m sorry that i missed it. i haven’t checked the boards all week. marymartha you know we love you. i am always tickled by your passionate viewpoints and your strong statements. from your very first post to this blog i could tell that you never intended to offend you just wanted to voice your opinion. great job Michelle. it would be neat if i got a dissenting reader like MM to start visting over on my other blog like she does. i like the way we can go round and round with our disagreements and not end up bashing each other’s heads in!

By: marymartha

marymartha — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 05:27:57 +0000

Thanks Romee you made some great points Sorry for my broad generalizations.

By: romee_1101

romee_1101 — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 04:42:54 +0000

Well, hiring a nanny is not a horrible thing is it? I was a nanny and a good one right out of college. There are a host of parents of all ages with children in childcare. In this day and age childcare, unfortunately, has become a necessity for many families. Most families simply cannot afford nannies, by the way

I would never leave my expensive stroller (ha, ha - 10 bucks from a garage sale) while my child runs down the street. That is bad parenting at any age.

I am glad you read these blogs and are interested in both views. There are downsides (and upsides) to parenting at any age, I just dislike generalizations about anything. It is like meeting five people of Hispanic descent who cannot speak English and saying "Most Hispanics cannot speak English" or "My dad was a lousy father and an engineer so all engineers will make lousy fathers."

I have never met someone at any age that had children for only altruistic reasons - every hear these comments - "He looks just like his dad," "She is such a mama's girl" said with a huge smile. Having children in this day and age at any age involves pure and selfish motives. To paint older parents as only wanting children to make them feel good is awfully simplistic - sure, it feels good to be a mom - but I want my son to grow up to be the best person he can be, to feel loved and cherished, and to feel he can achieve whatever he wants.

Adoption at any age is rarely a "Gee, I think I'll add a baby to my decor this year" kind of thought. I have been pondering it since my twenties but I was too busy dating and touring the world and being seriously selfish to consider it seriously. Now I have.

As for the patience thing? I am so much more patient now than when I was younger. I think the only difference now is that I have the confidence to speak up and say something if it bugs me. I have always had infinite patience with children - my nieces, my nephews, my students and now my son (which is not to say that I haven't been irritated or angry at them at some point).

I am sorry that you had a difficult childhood with older parents. I don't believe teenagers should have children but that does not mean that all teenagers will make lousy parents.

Romee

By: marymartha

marymartha — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 03:07:57 +0000

NO I agree that I need to learn more about older parents, and stop with my issues, which is part of the reason that I read these blogs. As far as Jennas comment that we should tell them NO because they want to do it, well why not. People want to do lots of things that aren’t necessarily good for themselves, their children, or society in general. Where did this thought of letting people do what makes them feel good come from? There is more to life than making yourself feel good. And good for your parents for adopting an older child, awesome.

By: claire

claire — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 02:58:04 +0000

Hey MaryMartha,
I think you need to pull your head out of its shell. Older people more attached to their “things?” I think this is a HUGE overgeneralization and for the most part, down right wrong. We are at the age where we realize that possessions don’t mean a hell of a lot.
I think I’ve responded to this in the past, but I’ll say it again. No one age group has a monopoly on good or bad parenting. There are a gazzilion support groups for unhappy kids, unhappy parents, etc. etc. Older parents don’t have a monopoly on the bad parenting market.
I started parenting at 20 and restarted at 53. I’ve gotten better with age and my daughter will benefit from my enthusiasm, love and devotion – all the things my own mother was lacking when she had me at 32.
AMEN

By: Jenna Hatfield

Jenna Hatfield — Thu, 19 Oct 2006 02:53:45 +0000

I disagree with that line of thought.

My parents are in the process of adopting. They're older. Adopting an older child. And while they may have certain things that they're "set in their ways about" (uhm, don't we all)... gosh, they just have a LOT to offer a child. SO MUCH. Why should we tell them NO if they WANT to do it?

Blah.

By: marymartha

marymartha — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 23:35:17 +0000

Okay great example and a fairly common one that I see frequently around here. Older mom at the pizza place, remember I’m in a city. We are in line on the sidewalk for pizza and my dh, friend and I are sitting eating our pizza listening to awesome live jazz. Okay mom has very nice expensive stroller and is about fifty with a son around three. He runs away, down the street toward the corner. She won’t leave her expensive stroller to chase her son. Waits for someone to come along so she can have them watch her stroller while she FINALLY chases after her son WHEN he is in the middle of the street. Bad parenting, absolutly, but I’ve seen it in younger parents too. It just seems younger parents aren’t as attached to their possessions as older parents are.
It seems many many older parents don’t raise their children, but hire nannies to do it for them, nannies who are in their twenties. not all though

By: romee_1101

romee_1101 — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 23:26:04 +0000

Mmhh, interesting. I could say the same about the parenting I see from the younger parents I encounter who married right out of high school. Or even a previous boyfriend who married in his twenties and who's family and children are a mess. I would have made an AWFUL parent in my twenties and early thirties. I had so much to learn about myself and all of the issues from my parenting experiences (incidentally, not by older parents).

I would be interested to hear what some of the awful parenting is that you are seeing from these older parents so I can watch to see that I don't commit the same mistakes. I don't agree with you about older parenting being the problem, but I am always open to learn.

BTW I have been in therapy for years for issues created by my parents, but I don't see it related to age (obviously, they were in their midtwenties), but related to family dynamics, poor role models, and all of the other stuff that creates disfunctional family environments.

Good luck in your journey!

Romee

By: Michelle Vandepas

Michelle Vandepas — Wed, 18 Oct 2006 23:20:54 +0000

Remove it? I'm using it!