I wish I was one of those moms who always had a lot of kids in the house. Little ones following me, tugging at my skirts and heartstrings, making me smile all day long. But in reality, that just isn’t me. If I had a lot of kids, (say, more than eh, two), I’d probably have a full time headache, be grumpy, and end up growling.

A lot.

In my head, I’ve got multiple kids. They are all laughing, screaming even, with happiness, running and filling the house with joy, yet, in reality, if I get more than a couple of 'em in my home at once and I get on edge. A bit nervous even.

I’m worried about the bigger ones teaching my small one bad stuff. I’m worried that my house isn’t baby proofed enough for the visiting one year old. (although I think it is).

I just worry.

You could make the case that whenever I’ve had a lot of children in my home, they’ve all been foster children, (or ex-foster children) and therefore they’ve been more difficult, more out of control; and that might be true.

You could also make the case that if I had three or five of my own children that I’d know their moods and laughter and cries and would have a lot more patience with them. They’d know the rules, and even if they didn’t actually follow them, they wouldn’t push my buttons as much. Maybe.

I don’t know. I think I just need a lot of down time.

As much as I’d like to have a home full of amusing toddlers, I may just be, (gasp) too old.

There, I said it.

I’m just too old for six children, or even four, and maybe even three.

I’ve been reading a few posts from women in their 50’s who’ve got lots of kids, of all ages, all living at home, and are now adopting more newborns.

Something strikes me that these women have been like this all their life. Homes full of children happily skipping from meal to meal, and going outside to play if they get a bit out of hand.

There is a thought in me that maybe I was never that type of woman.

After all.....

.... I am more patient now that I used to be.

.....I may even have more energy now since I take better care of myself.

.....There is a lot more money than there used to be, so I’m less stressed.

.....And I don’t have to worry about a demanding boss looking over my shoulder every minute.

I should be more ready to have a houseful, but I’m not.

Somehow, I either missed that large family window, or it’s just not for me.

Still, I love being a mom,and I have a lot of joy with just one, and maybe a future one, but I’m also looking forward being a mom who starts the school year, happily waving goodbye.

I'll use the time to write more, read more, paint more.

Selfish? Naw, just realistic.