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Mark and Sam and Cj have just gone off on an adventure. While Mark totes Cj in the baby pack, Sam carries snacks in his ‘packpack’, and the anticipation of a good time being had by all is high.
Watching my husband go happily off with both kids puts me in mind of all the hopefully adoptive mothers I hear from who are dealing with what are almost affectionately called, “reluctant spouses”.
Well, Ladies, I think we may just have to admit to ourselves that some men can be a bit slow on the up-take. I know. I know. That’s a very sexist statement and well deserving of a reprimand for non-PC compliance, but that doesn’t make it less true.
It’s hardly only adoption that can bring out the reticence of reluctant parenting. How many bio-dads pass pregnancy in a panicked state of denial, dreaming of never-to-be-taken treks across the Sahara soon to be forfeited for all time (or at least the next eighteen years … and by then the hair could be gone and the chance of making a macho impression from the back of a camel will significantly reduce), motorcycles that won’t be propped in front of roadside bars along the highways and byways of fantasy journeys to youth, two-seater sports cars disappearing in the rear view mirror of selfish indulgence?
Is it any wonder that some guys have a real problem taking a leap toward parenthood that doesn’t involve getting laid?
And privacy can be a much bigger issue with men than women. Many of us are quite happy to share our experiences, good and bad, generously, both to release pressure within ourselves and to help others. A lot of men find this very strange … a female quirk that makes them uncomfortable, and one they like to pretend does not overlap into stuff about them. With different perspectives on invasion of personal parameters, men can react negatively to the idea of a home study, and up-coming meetings with social workers can instigate anything from arguments to outbreaks of hives.
Then there’s the rest of the paperwork. How many husbands will prioritize their days to put photocopying what almost amounts to the Library of Congress, dragging a notary around to the doctor’s office, and stopping by the police station AGAIN to see if the clearance papers are ready yet at the top of their agenda for a Tuesday lunch hour? Like swollen ankles and protruding belly buttons, these are often deemed to be within the realm of woman.
There’s not a lot wives can do to help our sometimes obtuse husbands, other than, of course, handle all the paperwork, set all the appointments and be extra nice to them just before home visits. Feeling the need to do all this is not necessarily a sign that your mister isn’t ready, willing and able to be a great dad when the time comes, however. Some of our dear and darling spouses simply suffer from Male Imagination Malfunction and can’t absorb the ‘dad thing’ until they smell the poop.
Even Mark, fully on board from the get-go and happy to help with any part of the process I bothered to explain … twice … put on ‘to do’ lists, phone with reminders of and occasionally nag about, didn’t fully grasp what fatherhood was all about until Sam was smack-dab in front of him, smiling away with his tiny, toothless angel mouth and producing fluids from a few little orifices.
For those with truly reluctant spouses, I suggest you speak slowly and use small words.
On a serious note … forums like those here can help you arm yourself with information your spouse may need to formulate an opinion and make a decision. Many families have successfully dealt with this issue and it’s good to find support from those who’ve gone before.
