It would behoove every parent to read these words every day and then apply this profound sentiment to their lives, everyday.

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Khalil Gibran
Writer, Painter & Sculptor
Born 1883, Lebanon. Died 1931, New York

Lately I have been reading a large volume of blogs to see what parents are concerned about and what the most popular topics are.


It seems to me that overwhelmingly, adoptive parents are hyper-concerned about their children attaching to them and then taking their advice or the advice of a supposed authority figure (i.e. therapist) and living their lives in a manner that the parents deem acceptable and “right”.

I believe that as people, children and then adults, we all have a destiny to fulfill in life. That destiny is personal and uniquely ours. As people we are born alone and die alone, and as parents we have the interim to encourage and guide our children, but not the authority to dominate and control. Certainly the timeworn topic of parents being dismayed by their children’s actions and goals or lack thereof, has been echoed throughout the generations. What some parents forget is that their child is an individual and is fulfilling their unique destiny in life, whether you the parent, like how they’re doing it or not.

What right do we have to deny our children their destiny and attempt to mold their future in our own likeness and desires, when they are clearly standing on the precipice of that destiny, trying to take decisive steps that they feel driven by a larger force to take.

In one of the RAD blogs, Nancy talks about the school system and her daughter who has little inclination toward math. I don’t think that's a bad thing. Perhaps she is an artist and her brain is geared differently. I know from personal experience that math pretty much sucks as a subject. I hated math in school and didn’t fare well with it. I learned enough to pass, graduate and move on. It simply was NOT my thing. I was an artist. I moved forward in that direction and have never looked back. The fact that I don’t apply calculus to my every day life hasn’t hurt me one bit.

My parents of course, struggled with my inability to apply myself in math and my barely passing grades. They inflicted loads of restrictions on my life so I would do better and hopefully, fulfill their wishes and get an A. didn’t happen. Because kids don’t care about all the things you say you’ll restrict or take away, whatmore, they’ll find a way around it if you do make good on your claims. What kids want is acceptance.

I wanted my parents to be proud of my musical and artistic acumen and forget that I hated math. My artistic ability has carried me far in life and while I use math regularly, I don’t generally speak of parabolas or Isosceles and Equilateral Triangles. ever. So therefore, the D in math is pretty much negated by the A’s in choir and applied art.


I’m not saying kids don’t need guidance, because they do. But as parents we need to ascertain what is *really* important to our kids and how our children are wired. If a child shows exceptional talent in one area, they gravitate toward that and love it, isn’t it best if we encourage that and 'back up off' drilling the stuff they’re never going “get”, use or care about?

How can you expect a child to attach or be drawn to someone who is so obviously laying down rules regarding their feelings and inclinations, usually very restrictive rules. Putting clothes on their backs and food in front of them cannot be construed as the reason to make a heart felt connection. Understanding who they are and letting them be that person is called unconditional love and that builds connection.

You can’t make someone love and accept and attach to you. Isn’t that learned in about the 7th grade with our first crush? And later in our first relationships with the opposite sex? You can’t force someone feel a connection to you if they don’t and just because you’ve forked out 20 grand, filled out reams of paperwork, have been fingerprinted and had your home studied, doesn't give you the right to say to a child, "now attach to me dammit!"

How about YOU attach and love the child, accept them regardless. You’re asking them to do that for you, but isn’t the onus really on the parent to do the attaching? You’re the one who initiated and brought this child into your home, through adoption or birth.

Misery loves company and if you’re having issues, its so easy to find someone to agree with you and validate your feelings, because you hold all the cards. The kid is subject to your will and what you require of him. They don’t really have any say, except to act out. Negative attention is still attention, and usually a desperate cry for acceptance. Why can’t we just accept our children and celebrate them and honor the differences????

If you can’t handle your child’s destiny, then you can’t handle being a parent and the blame lies squarely on your shoulders. Trying to foist it off on your kid is unconscionable.

I plan to present my daughter with everything, there’s a big wide wonderful world out there, and let her choose where she wants to go and then stand behind her choices. It is HER life and more importantly HER destiny that I am privileged to be guardian of.